Too Many Tears To Count

2008 has not started out as the stellar year I was hoping for. In the last 9 days, my ex’s great-uncle was tragically killed in a car accident at the age of 70, along with his 31 year old daughter-in-law who was 8 months pregnant with his granddaughter. Sadly, no one survived. The uncle used to make me smile and laugh by teasing me when I would see him, he had a great sense of humour. I did not know the daughter-in-law, but had met her husband in the past. The idea of these lives being taken so quickly is hard to process. I pray for his wife and his son that they find peace somehow with what has happened.

While searching for the obituary for this uncle, we discovered that a very close friend of my dad’s passed away on December 31. My Uncle Luke (it’s what we all called him), passed away after a long illness. My Uncle Luke, and his wife, Aunt Do, have been sick for the past year and were unable to attend my dad’s funeral. We know that they were thinking of us though.

My sister, my mom and I went to the service the other night to pay our respects. That night we shared many laughs, and many more tears. Sharon, his youngest daughter, told us the following story of his final moments.

My Uncle Luke’s only request was that he wanted to die at home. He knew it was coming and didn’t want to be in the hospital. He wanted to be with his family, that was it. After fighting for many months, the time was nearing on December 31. But Uncle Luke, being Uncle Luke, was fighting and struggling to hang on and refused to let go. Sharon told her Dad that day that it was okay to let go and it was his time. He didn’t have to fight anymore and that they would all be okay. Besides his buddy Jackie (my dad) was waiting for him. My Uncle Luke ,who was barely able to speak at the end, said “My buddy Jackie’s waiting?” Sharon told Uncle Luke, “Yeah, your buddy Jackie’s waiting for you. He’s waiting to see you.” Uncle Luke said “okay”, then closed his eyes and passed away minutes later.

I firmly believe that my dad was there, welcoming my Uncle Luke to Heaven. How could I not? For one day I hope to see him there myself.

2007 Year End Review

2008 is at the door waiting to be welcomed in. And how will I be greeting this new guest? With open arms, that’s how. 2007 was anything but good and if I had my way it would have ended much sooner that it has. I don’t think that anything could have improved the year after the loss of my Dad back in February. Every day I think about him and sometimes it hurts so much I can’t breathe. I never know what’s going to impact me. Lately it’s been “My Little Girl” by Tim McGraw. And then there are these small thoughts that pop into my head like when I was decorating the Christmas tree. I stopped and realized that I couldn’t remember ever hearing what my dad had on his tree when he was little and that now I would never know.

A few weeks ago we went to a Memorial Service at the funeral parlor we had the service at. As I was sitting in the room with my Mom and Granny Flo, I could feel the panic welling up inside of me. The urge to run from the building was very strong and only with some controlled breathing did I manage not to give in and avoid a full blown anxiety attack. When we were having refreshments afterwards my side of the conversation was limited to one word answers. I was grateful when the service was over. Now that some time has passed since the Memorial Service I can look back and say how beautiful it was. While it was taking place all I could think of was “Get me out of here”.

2007 was also the year where I let go of a friend. It was time. Who they have become is not the person I once knew. I wish them the best in life and happiness in whatever they do. Ironically, although I no longer consider this person a friend, and at best an acquaintance, they still have ties to my family. I’m not sure those will ever be entirely severed and I have no problem if they aren’t. I have severed my ties and what happens with my family and this friend is up to them.

So, 2007 is nearing the end (as I write this there is just under 12 hours left), and 2008 is a wide open plain of possibilities. I guess that means it’s time to review my resolutions for 2007 and plan my resolutions for 2008.

In 2007, I set 15 goals. Of those, I successfully completed 7. That’s not even 50% completed. So what have I completed and what did I fail miserably at? Okay, here we go.

Completed:

1. Write my Resolutions
Um, obviously completed.

2. Stop using my credit cards
For the most part this was completed. Although I have 6 credit cards I currently only have cards for 2 accounts, and only use 1 card sparingly.

3. Plan my trip to Paris and have the money saved by June
Unless I dreamed of those two glorious weeks in France that took place in September, this was successfully completed although the money wasn’t saved until the middle of August. And, because I’m awesome at saving when I choose to be, only the Hotel was put on a credit card and even that was immediately paid off.

4. Move to a different apartment
Accomplished but not in a way that intended. I moved home after my Dad passed away.

5. Declutter my apartment
Again, accomplished when I was packing up my stuff to move back home.

6: To clean out my email and maintain it
Okay, so this was only completed back in November, but it was completed so that counts.

7: To visit with friends and family more
Definitely been accomplished for this year, but something I’m going to keep working at

Incomplete

1: Be bikini ready by the summer of 2007
Excuse me while I laugh my way to the fridge. This didn’t even come close to happening.

2. Go to the gym and minimum of 3 times a week
I think it’s safe to say that this didn’t happen unless walking from the fridge to the couch counts as exercise.

3. Clear 70% of my debt load
The numbers are significantly lower than the beginning of the year but not quite where I wanted to be.

4. Get a part-time job
This will never work with the hours I put in at my full-time job. It’s all good though since the work has been acknowledged.

5. Limit the number of lunches I buy to twice a week at the most
This was killed a few months ago when the renovations started at work. We didn’t have a kitchen for the longest time, and then when we did it was on the 17th floor, and 2 elevator rides away.

6. Take no less than 3 college course this year
HAHAHAHAHAHA

7. Read no less than 2 pieces of literature a month
HA! I was successful for the first few months before I went on a non-lit binge.

8. Start cooking and using my recipe collection
I can hear my friends laughing right now.

Changes

For those who don’t know, this photo is of my dad. We were coming back from my Aunt (his sister) and my Uncle’s 50th wedding anniversary.

My father was never one who liked having his picture taken. And he used to complain about it although he always had a smile on his face.

We were in the car coming back when I fired off a quick shot on my camera. I was pleasantly surprised to find the photo turned out. I’m quite fond of this picture because it captures a side of my dad that not everyone got to see. Quiet, introspective, and thoughtful. The fact that he has a cigarette in his hand is of course, mandatory.

My only request for photos to be included in the video montage was this photo. My family agreed and so this was the final shot. Looking into the light that called him home 6 months ago.

The quote is from one of my favourite poems, and one he read all the time to my sisters and I when we were children. I know this poem off by heart, as well as Gunga Din.

Dad, I love you.

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Exactly one week ago today, I lost one of the greatest people I have ever known. My father passed away shortly before 7 am on Monday, February 12, 2007. I wish I could write more about him right now, but it’s just not in me. All I can say is he was a great father, husband, grandfather, brother and friend. He wasn’t just a dad to me, he was my friend. And for me to be able to say that he was my friend is a great honour.

So here’s to you Dad. May you rest with the angels.