Well, hello world, how you been?
Good to see you, my old friend
Sometimes I feel cold as steal
Broken like I’m never gonna heal
~Hello World by Lady Antebellum
These words, simply lyrics sung to a beautfiul tune, are exactly what I’m feeling. Like there’s some part of me that lost the ability to live life to the fullest. To put every ounce of myself out there like I used to. To say “screw it” and take chances and not be afraid of being hurt, of falling, of getting lost.
I’m not sure if it’s a combination of the invisible scars on my heart that come from loving and losing, coupled with losing the most important man in my life (if you don’t know what that is check out the banner image up top), or just fear of experience it all again. Whatever the cause, whatever the food supply is that feeds this feeling, it’s there. It’s always lurking behind the sunny smile and cheerful disposition that I feel I have to present to the world.
Sure, I smile , I laugh, I party, and I feel with the best of them. I just sometimes wonder why I always feel slighly disconnected from the world. Like there’s some bond that just isn’t happening. And then I worry if it’s just me? I just don’t feel as whole as I did when I was younger. Does that even make sense?
Then again, maybe it’s just change. Maybe it’s just my brain having a hard time adjusting to change. Because, strangely enough, my opinion on a few things are changing. Gradual of course – it’s not like my brain flips a switch and goes “Ta-da, here’s your new view.” At one point this weekend I had to stop and contemplate a remote possibility. And what’s scary, is that my opinion on this remote possibility is far different than what it would have been 10 years, 5 years, or even a year ago. When the decision was made for me I was left feeling confused and riding the fence. And if there’s one thing I don’t like, it’s riding the fence.
I’ll stop writing now. This could easily turn into a bizarre and rambling post. Well, even more than it already is.
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Hello World
April 28, 2011Well, hello world, how you been?
Good to see you, my old friend
Sometimes I feel cold as steal
Broken like I’m never gonna heal
~Hello World by Lady Antebellum
These words, simply lyrics sung to a beautfiul tune, are exactly what I’m feeling. Like there’s some part of me that lost the ability to live life to the fullest. To put every ounce of myself out there like I used to. To say “screw it” and take chances and not be afraid of being hurt, of falling, of getting lost.
I’m not sure if it’s a combination of the invisible scars on my heart that come from loving and losing, coupled with losing the most important man in my life (if you don’t know what that is check out the banner image up top), or just fear of experience it all again. Whatever the cause, whatever the food supply is that feeds this feeling, it’s there. It’s always lurking behind the sunny smile and cheerful disposition that I feel I have to present to the world.
Sure, I smile , I laugh, I party, and I feel with the best of them. I just sometimes wonder why I always feel slighly disconnected from the world. Like there’s some bond that just isn’t happening. And then I worry if it’s just me? I just don’t feel as whole as I did when I was younger. Does that even make sense?
Then again, maybe it’s just change. Maybe it’s just my brain having a hard time adjusting to change. Because, strangely enough, my opinion on a few things are changing. Gradual of course – it’s not like my brain flips a switch and goes “Ta-da, here’s your new view.” At one point this weekend I had to stop and contemplate a remote possibility. And what’s scary, is that my opinion on this remote possibility is far different than what it would have been 10 years, 5 years, or even a year ago. When the decision was made for me I was left feeling confused and riding the fence. And if there’s one thing I don’t like, it’s riding the fence.
I’ll stop writing now. This could easily turn into a bizarre and rambling post. Well, even more than it already is.
Like this:
Posted in General Commentary, Issues/Fears |