Would I?

….I guess there’s some things even I don’t want to share.

Hello World

Well, hello world, how you been?
Good to see you, my old friend
Sometimes I feel cold as steal
Broken like I’m never gonna heal
~Hello World by Lady Antebellum

These words, simply lyrics sung to a beautfiul tune, are exactly what I’m feeling. Like there’s some part of me that lost the ability to live life to the fullest. To put every ounce of myself out there like I used to. To say “screw it” and take chances and not be afraid of being hurt, of falling, of getting lost.

I’m not sure if it’s a combination of the invisible scars on my heart that come from loving and losing, coupled with losing the most important man in my life (if you don’t know what that is check out the banner image up top), or just fear of experience it all again. Whatever the cause, whatever the food supply is that feeds this feeling, it’s there. It’s always lurking behind the sunny smile and cheerful disposition that I feel I have to present to the world.

Sure, I smile , I laugh, I party, and I feel with the best of them. I just sometimes wonder why I always feel slighly disconnected from the world. Like there’s some bond that just isn’t happening. And then I worry if it’s just me? I just don’t feel as whole as I did when I was younger. Does that even make sense?

Then again, maybe it’s just change. Maybe it’s just my brain having a hard time adjusting to change. Because, strangely enough, my opinion on a few things are changing. Gradual of course – it’s not like my brain flips a switch and goes “Ta-da, here’s your new view.” At one point this weekend I had to stop and contemplate a remote possibility. And what’s scary, is that my opinion on this remote possibility is far different than what it would have been 10 years, 5 years, or even a year ago. When the decision was made for me I was left feeling confused and riding the fence. And if there’s one thing I don’t like, it’s riding the fence.

I’ll stop writing now. This could easily turn into a bizarre and rambling post. Well, even more than it already is.

Happy Birthday

I send the words “Happy Birthday” on the wings of a dove,
through the gray clouds that always mar this day.
Hoping its wings are strong enough to make it through the gates,
and find its way to your feet.
When the dove lands, will you know who it’s from?
Will you know that our hearts will never heal?
Will you know how much you’re missed? That you are still truly loved?
I can only pray and hope that you do.

Happy Birthday, Dad. I love you….

Ahem….

Ahem….may I have your attention please? I have something to say. *tap tap tap* Is this thing on? Oh, there we go.

Hello there fellow internet friends. I think it’s fairly obvious that my attempt at blogging on a more frequent basis was a complete failure. Turns out I didn’t even have a few spare minutes during the day to which I could dedicate to expressing opinions, thoughts or rants.

However, and I say this with some mild trepidation, that’s changing. The new girl is turning out to be a godsend. She has a lot of ground to cover, but she’s doing surprisingly well. Now, if I could only get my coworkers to accept that she is not my clone, and she can’t be expected to hit the ground running with all the knowledge and experience you accumulate when you’ve been working with them for 5 years.

Holy crow – when did the 5 year mark sneak up on me? I don’t feel like I’ve been at my company that long, but my hire date on my PTO form proves otherwise. What I’m also trying to figure out is when I became the “go to person” for both the West offices, Ottawa office AND the Montreal office!

For a girl who started off with no experience, or knowledge of the industry, I’m now the fountain of all things marketing related. The designers have questions and the agents tell them to call me. Marketing budgets automatically get routed through my team for co-op deals. A marketer creates a new template? It gets run past me for verification and design ideas. And the newest thing? Our Montreal office is hiring a marketing person to work directly with the National Investment Team in Montreal. And, from what I understand, if they didn’t think the idea would immediately be rejected by my boss, they would have asked me to join their team. However, knowing just how critical of a role I play for my team, they didn’t dare. They did ask me to vet work samples and portfolios submitted by the job applicants though.

I also received an email from the Senior VP of a major client not too long ago thanking me for helping him out with a request. This client is also a well known company hence leaving the name off of this post. Anyways, this Senior VP sent me an email thanking me and telling me that I saved him, and just how important I was to my team. He actually said in the email that he thought my team would be dead without me. It was one of the nicest emails I’ve received in a long time.

Does any of this mean that I think I’ve found my forever job? Certainly not. I’m still thinking of moving, but I’m going to take my time. Because the truth is, I love my job!

Okay, enough bragging for one post….

Minor Interruption

So things seemed to be going pretty good with my posts. I mean 3 solid posts with somewhat solid reasoning and writing skills? For this girl, that’s a fricking miracle. And then, poof, like that I’m gone again.

Trust me, I’m well aware of the minor lag. After all, this interruption wasn’t by choice. When you’re working 6 days a week, with each day averaging 11 hours of work, most without lunch breaks, the last thing you want to do is blog. Sure, I had blog posts written in my head but by the end of the day, the idea of typing out one more word on a computer was impossible. The vague urge to type just a few lines of text would almost bring me to tears.

However, I swear to change that. I swear, that if it means I have to take a few minutes throughout my day and type a few sentences into Word, I will have a post on a fairly regular basis.

I can’t promise that they won’t be mild rants about the latest attempt by my co-workers to drive me insane, but I can promise you that I will be posting.

So, keep an eye out in the coming weeks. Things look as though they could get very interesting.

Sweet Illusions

Sweet illusions – the dreams we have that help us battle the dark days. The optimistic views we maintain a tight fisted grasp on so as not to lose them when confronted with the reality of life and the darkness that can sometimes come with it

I’ve always maintained a realistic view of life. A brutal approach to the ways of the world that make it easier for me to accept disappointment. The optimism that seems to come so easily to some, has always been a difficult thing for me to grasp. That pure, and almost innocent like hope and faith that everything will work out fine, always a strange and distant concept to the practical side of me.

But in the last few months I’ve started taking more of a positive outlook on life. Embracing that positive outlook, and placing my faith in the idea that the world has more in store for me than just what I’ve been dealt. I’ve started believing that all the “ifs” in my life, could quite possibly be “whens”. That all those things I never stopped to put any stock or value in, may one day be an option for me. That view has always been, to put it mildly, a tenuous one, which ebbs and flows with my mood and experiences.

I’m not giving up on the positive viewpoint that I’ve been using the last little while. I’m a fighter and I refuse to give in so easily. It makes sense because I’m starting to wonder if perhaps it really is better to feel pain than not feel anything at all? That without the experience of loss and hurt you lose sight of the true glory of love and hope?

I’m not sure. All I know is that I have faith in my God, that he knows best for what’s meant for me. And that perhaps I can take an optimistic view on life because I know that He has great plans for me that he just hasn’t yet shown me.

I guess that’s one of the other sweet illusions….faith. And faith is something I have never been short on. I may question the madness and the chaos that exists in our world, but I know that there’s a bigger picture taking place that we just can’t see. Faith is what helped me get through losing my dad. Faith is what helped me to learn to be comfortable being on my own. Faith in Him is what allowed me to put my faith in my friends.

Wow. I’m not sure what this is all about. Too much introspection for a Sunday night, that’s for sure.